"The manifestation of true love is a natural activity, neither virtue nor sin."
~ Joshu Roshi
I feel very lucky to have been given many opportunities to understand love. ‘Til now, I wouldn’t have written the words ‘understand’ and ‘love’ in the same sentence without a gargantuan ‘DO NOT’ before the ‘understand’. If there’s any reason for my life on this planet at all, then it’s to find a way to love and be loved the way that I desire to love and be loved. I regard love and nature as one and the same; not to keep it and cage it but to love the freedom of it all as it IS.
The human pull toward companionship and intimacy (aka ‘The Force’ in me) is strong. If I could avoid it whilst still remaining sane, then I would (and, believe me, I have tried) – because it might surprise you to hear that I have not previously had much success in my relationships... [cue the violins]... Hang on, hang on - this is actually a good thing... [cut the violins, please]... because I know that there’s got to be another way to ‘do’ this that actually works... a sort of 'not relationship' relationship. I just haven't figured out how to do it yet.
In times-gone-by, as a (nearly) divorced single-mother over 40 [and it absolutely makes me cringe to use these labels on myself], I would be considered unkindly by society as a ‘spinster’ or ‘old maid’... that there must be something ‘wrong’ with me. Maybe some women in my situation feel this way, but I certainly don’t! I feel happier ‘in my skin’ than I have ever felt. Content. Centred.
... and then Along Comes a Man and every ‘button’ I ever had (and some I forgot about) is pushed; all the insecurities and leaning start to kick in. Nowadays, I’m conscious enough to observe what’s going on and can nip this insidious cacophony in the bud before it has its wicked way with me. Breaking patterns does take quite some time and effort, I will admit. I’m currently on a learning curve through no man’s land, where being a total romantic is both a blessing and a curse. It’s total bliss and it hurts like hell, and everything in-between.
And I love it all.
As it is.