The Muse

The Muse

About The Muse

This blog is dedicated to the art of musing. From now on, this is where I will muse.

How to ‘Get Deep’ Without Attachment in Relationships

Daily muse...Posted by Karen Sawyer Wed, October 05, 2011 20:42:29

Firstly, you will need an open heart. So, OPEN YOUR HEART. The more you are able, the deeper you go and the better it gets. Depth and passion are symbiotic.

If you won’t open your heart because you’re afraid of attachment – stop... that’s a good place to start to think about what attachment means to you. Is it loss of freedom, loss of yourself, or becoming dependent on others, perhaps? If this is the case, you’ll need to learn to become your own true love, your own best friend, mother, father, daughter, son, sister, brother, etc. – this takes the pressure off everybody else in your life to fulfil a need in you, which is what creates attachments in the first place. You create them because you are archetypally incomplete. Learn to be in a committed relationship with all aspects of yourself – make that commitment to your own completeness.

When we honestly take a look at how we feel about relationships, it oftentimes reveals a fear of intimacy or ‘into-me-you-see’ on some level – emotional, spiritual or physical. Fear of others seeing ‘who we really are’ prevents us from being it. Do you feel that you deserve to be loved? Can you give and receive love with no conditions or expectations? Are you willing to recognise and accept how divine you are; to step into your power and take responsibility for co-creating the world as you know it?

Being deep does not mean being ‘serious’. It’s about being and sharing your true Self IN THE MOMENT as far as you are able. A deep connection with another develops when you’re free to ‘be’ and ‘do’ and ‘say’ whatever you feel moved to ‘be’ and ‘do’ and ‘say’ at any of these given moments. Being deep requires that you trust yourself, your intuition and feelings; break all the rules and ‘wing it’ – let go of the riverbank and let the current take you downstream with the grace of a swan. As I said, the more you are able, the deeper you go and the better it gets. As you go deeper, the challenge is not to slip into attachment when new layers of reflections (positive or negative) emerge for you to look at (and they will). If at any point you feel like you’re becoming attached, step back, visualise cutting the ties that bind and take some time to re-connect with, balance and centre your Self. Nature will help you, if you ask.

The most important trip you will ever make is the voyage to the soul’s centre; it's the most beautiful location in the world To Build a Home, yet ever so many people have never been there and maybe never will. It’s not an easy journey and there’s no going back. I’m not there myself yet but, from what I’ve seen of it so far, it’s well worth taking that risk. Live dangerously and your experience and appreciation of the profundity of life, the universe and everything will increase exponentially... I promise.

~ Karen

  • Comments(8)

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Posted by Karen Sawyer Thu, June 30, 2016 13:45:26

Thanks all for your comments ^_^

@Nex... This is really a letter to myself that I wrote on the cusp between being single and in my current relationship! I hadn't read it again til now... thanks for reminding me about it!

Posted by Nex Tue, June 28, 2016 23:18:11

I just don't get it..

Posted by Karen morris Mon, November 03, 2014 23:02:05

Karen, I love your writings and therefore you! What you say and think parallels and resonates with me, I am English, living in California, grew up in British Colonial Malaysia with a fabulous dad from Bristol. Life has been the most magical, mystical breathtaking experience for me too, and I'd live to link with you in the world we are in now. (Many worlds I believe) My email is My name is also Karen

Posted by Andy Wed, June 19, 2013 15:10:07

What a lovely introduction by Karen wearing a beautiful red dress!


Posted by lesleyjanelove Fri, October 14, 2011 15:08:41

P.s I think this process is also about developing real compassion. When we are compassionate towards ourselves and meet our own needs, ourselves...we develop the propensity for being authentically compassionate towards others. Very different to the unconscious, needs driven do-goodery shite that nobody likes! :)

Posted by lesleyjanelove Fri, October 14, 2011 14:34:43

It's lovely to know others are treading similar trails :). What you are saying, I understand as something called the "secret lover initiation", something that was passed on to me by a good friend from the New Forest several years ago.

Many of us understand that our carers did what they could for us and that they themselves were limited in what they could do by their own upbringing. It's liberating to forgive our carers for what they didn't do for us but how do we make up for the deficiency needs they left us with? Most people search for someone else, a lover or a friend to meet those needs but this often either repels people you are attracted to or, attracts people with the opposite deficit and bondage, (oooer!) and co-dependency can be the result.

I think you are right to say that if we want to be free, sovereign individuals AND be in relationships, we have to start supplying ourselves with what we need instead of being needy and searching for it in others. Let's say 80% of it anyway! I reckon it's fine to expect others to supply the other 20%, (I like the Pareto principle because we should be self reliant not self sufficient here).

I parent my own unconscious by being my archetypal mother for all my protection needs and my archetypal father for my growth needs. I find it useful to think of my needs as being needed by a part of me that is about 8 years old so I adjust my inner parenting to that age group.

The secret lover initiation is a development of this process and is best described as "being the person you'd most like to meet". You think of all the qualities you would want in a friend or lover, (needs projection), and then make the conscious choice to develop and be those things yourself. I cannot tell you what a difference this has made in my life.

When I look after my own needs, I am freed up to pursue what I want and be wanty not needy! :) When I look after my own needs I attract instead of repel! When I look after 80% of my own needs myself I can be a free and sovereign individual AND be in a relationship AND fully enjoy giving and receiving the other snuggly, wuggly 20% without worrying about losing my independence or making unhealthy attachments!
Love & hugs
LJL xx

Posted by Lindy Wed, October 12, 2011 19:19:59

Love the music and visuals, and what you write is so true.

Posted by Karen Scott Thu, October 06, 2011 18:13:59

Fab and spot on as always, Missus Ess!

And I LOVE the video :-)

Big hug

Another Karen Ess xx